How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
This is amazing.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.