How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I want what they have
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice