I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
how do lawyers argue without crying
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Her: Can I come over right now?
Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*
*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”
*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…