How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?


I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.


Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!


When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.


[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.


[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.


*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”


If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…