How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…