How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
#merica
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.