How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I could NOT have put it better myself.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.