U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I have never related to a cat more
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there