@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

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@AndrewChamings

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

@iGreenMonk

Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?

Somebody needs to test that one.

@charstarlene

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

@ddsmidt

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@tsm560

In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.