How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours