How is tinder still free?

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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”


I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


I hate when my phone rings and I have to interrupt what I was looking at online and stare at it until it stops.


Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?


Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced




DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is