@Drops

How is tinder still free?

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@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@Mike_Bianchi

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

@Trustedshoe

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

@iMonkGreen

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

@MrGeorgeWallace

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”