@Drops

How is tinder still free?

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@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@WilliamAder

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

@matt___nelson

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

@girlontapas

I hate when my phone rings and I have to interrupt what I was looking at online and stare at it until it stops.

@lawyerthoughts

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

@minkpinkustink

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

@

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@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is