*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I hate when my phone rings and I have to interrupt what I was looking at online and stare at it until it stops.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn