@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

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@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@crunchenhancer

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

@GensPlace

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

@fakegoldegg

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@sadengels

7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first