“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Help Wanted
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.