How is twitter still free 😂😂

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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.


GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER


i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t


Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids


*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says who?”


*a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*


Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes


me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop