How is twitter still free 😂😂

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[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here


Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.


Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.


What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?


ME: “Trick or bear?”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.


Neo: I’m going to solve the Matrix

Agent Smith: Glitch, you thought.


Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son


Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.