[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ME: “Trick or bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Neo: I’m going to solve the Matrix
Agent Smith: Glitch, you thought.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13