@IdiotOlympics

How is twitter still free 😂😂

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@pilau

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

@SirEviscerate

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@rolldiggity

ME: “Trick or bear?”
NEIGHBOR: “Bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

@ThatEggChick

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

@10kbabyspiders

Neo: I’m going to solve the Matrix

Agent Smith: Glitch, you thought.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.