It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
sistine chapel
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!