me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Girl, same.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.