I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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Americans: Muslims are so violent
Me: ok but police co-
Americans: shut up. Don’t judge a group of people based off a select few.
I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.
*comes back dressed as Yoda*
“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”