How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I needed a laugh this morning.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.