@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

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@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

@KababPapi

Americans: Muslims are so violent

Me: ok but police co-

Americans: shut up. Don’t judge a group of people based off a select few.

@Deurb1

I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…

@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@Scott_A_Gilmore

It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.

@smedlee

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

@Kyle_Lippert

“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”