How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class