@TylerLinkin

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

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@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@ComedicBust

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

@chuuew

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

@KThonvold

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.