Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
DEATH RACE 2
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My inexpensive home security system…
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief