I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
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Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.