Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect