How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control