How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You Might Also Like
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*ernest hemingway voice*
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
fr
You have been warned.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“A little help here, Danny?”