How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.