How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

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Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week


God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?



God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.


Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?



Dads: YES


I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”


doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof


ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you


“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide


All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do