@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

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@FU_TangClan

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

@gavinmind

Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?

Dads:

Installer:

Dads: YES

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@chuuew

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

@rolldiggity

“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do