Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
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God: you’re an elephant.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do