Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.