Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Raisins are grape jerky.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it