How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*offers Batman cough drops*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.