How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*