How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”