How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Hero horse inspires millions
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.