How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.


I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.


wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok


me: great news! I passed the exam!

proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it


Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.


Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.


I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?