I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine