How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
yeah not falling for this one
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending