“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Not all heroes wear capes…
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live