@5hael: How long do you have to wait between naps?
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@sixfootcandy: Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs? Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
@OllyiConic: kidnapper: we have your son dad: oh my god let me talk to him kidnapper: very well dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"] Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell. Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@FABrezebabe: *does coke* *has unprotected sex* *smokes cigarettes* "oh haha no I don't drink soda because it's bad for you"