Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m too immature for adultery.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
(Musicians.)
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away