@JPLFR80

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

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@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@Jazzzzzmina

Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.