How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
You Might Also Like
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Care for your back
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it