How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
m’lady
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’