familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”