@causticbob

how long have you had this for?

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@thenatewolf

Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously

Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze

@Alex_Houseof308

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..

@Kids_kubed

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

@AwkwardAndOdd

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

@rocknthepurple

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?