how long have you had this for?

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Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously

Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze


Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??


Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..


Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*


My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace


Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.


My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.


[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?