@causticbob
@brittarnett
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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@brittarnett
@thenatewolf
Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously
Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze
@Alex_Houseof308
Me: I slay werewolves for a living.
Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!
Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??
@AristotlesNZ
Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..
@Kids_kubed
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
@good_one_rick
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
@AwkwardAndOdd
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
@AmishPornStar1
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
@rocknthepurple
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
@DurtMcHurtt
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?