How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Meanwhile in Canada…
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”