How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
What if the weather talks about us?
How animals would run if they were human
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.