SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?