@AndrewBarr8

“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”

You Might Also Like

@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@dukelongboard

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@GinAndJif

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

@sir_shithead_I

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?