My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”
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Kid: here’s my golden ticket
Willy Wonka: Welcome to the child murder factory
Willy Wonka: what?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
“You have 2 left.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Dating profiles be like:
I like being outside. I also like being inside. I like to go out to eat. I also like to just eat at home. I enjoy going for a walk or a run. Or sometimes not even moving at all. I like to go to the movies. I’m also fine just watching a movie at home
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Why are bridges so flammable.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.