@AndrewBarr8

“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”

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@anafabregagood

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

@ilovepie84

Kid: here’s my golden ticket

Willy Wonka: Welcome to the child murder factory

Kid: what?

Willy Wonka: what?

@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@weinerdog4life

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

@lovemydogduck

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

@DaddyJew

Dating profiles be like:

I like being outside. I also like being inside. I like to go out to eat. I also like to just eat at home. I enjoy going for a walk or a run. Or sometimes not even moving at all. I like to go to the movies. I’m also fine just watching a movie at home

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.