Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away