How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Good news
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?