@AmishPornStar1

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

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@TheGabbieShow

that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup

@sonictyrant

Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

@sofarrsogud

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@WillMckenzieNot

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

@_Bankrobber_

It’s cool that shopping centres have a Reservoir Dogs tribute room now.

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@novicefather

[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]

Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.