@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

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@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@jennalinds

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

@frogshack

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

@aveuaskew

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

@RealPrincessKim

You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.

@fluffysuse

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

@ObscureGent

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.