How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

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Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person


Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new


*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him


When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.


You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.


Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.


[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.