How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
We’ve all been there…
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.