How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
work smarter, not harder
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.