@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

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@hazelmotes1

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

@BAKKOOONN

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

@Kris_Florio

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

@huntigula

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

@jenniferemorrow

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

@TylerComeOn

I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.