How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts