How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
They got a point!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off