How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house