THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
-Canadian rap battle
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No