@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

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@LoveNLunchmeat

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

@IndecisiveJones

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.