If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
You Might Also Like
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Online dating in the 1920s