How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
You Might Also Like
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.