“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.