How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*


How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?


11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O


FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.


It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.


*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?


If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you


When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”


[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*