Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*
Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?
Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?