@SocialExtortion

How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?

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@RobertJrDowney

Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.

@LlamaInaTux

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

@offbeatoliv

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

@TheBoydP

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

@NotChuckBarkley

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@samalmightysam

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@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”