So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
how it started vs how it ended
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.